Thursday, December 16, 2010

Why worry?

I few months ago when I was just starting this blog I wrote an entry about not worrying about things. Now while this is still generally true, I still feel as if I'm in control of my treatments, but something has changed. I've found myself worrying about things going wrong during treatment or even after. I worry about the needles in my arm slipping out while I sleep, and a likely scenario to that is that I would bleed out if my liquid sensors don't work, so I make sure those work. Also not quite as dramatic I worry about missing another call to Halifax, which is probably why I was so upset in my last post about a wrong number call at midnight.

For my first worry, it's not really that I didn't worry about something bad happening or take the precautions to make sure it didn't, but I did accept it as a possibility. I began thinking about why I am more worried now than before. I came to the conclusion that it's because I feel I have more hope that I will actually get a kidney sooner rather than later. Before I had my call last month I really didn't think about it much.

Almost everybody I had talked to on dialysis at the unit before coming home had been on dialysis for years, almost always double digit years. So that is to say I had little or no hope that I was going to get a kidney anytime soon. I accepted that I was doing Dialysis in the meantime. Now though I'm doing dialysis until I get a kidney, and that could be anytime, not just a long insurmountable, undeterminable amount of time in the future, it could be soon now.

As far as my 2nd worry, I think my first explanation covers it. Getting a call is actually a reality for me now. I'm always listening for my phone. I always keep my cell phone that I have just for that call handy and charged and topped up. I'm ready to go, I think about going now.

I think this has given me more to hold on too and more to hope. Hope that I will be able to get off dialysis at least sometime rather than never, because even though I'm getting the best possible care, and the best possible dialysis, it doesn't change that dialysis seriously sucks balls.

So why do I worry now? I worry now because I have hope.


1 comment:

  1. This is an awesome post! Keep your hope up because it is going to happen!