I did something that I never thought I'd do tonight....

I broke down, I fucking lost it weeping tears and all. That didn't even happen when I was denied a Kidney in November. But I guess being so sick for the past week, having a hard time to catch my breath, the stress I put on myself to force myself to go to work tomorrow and trying to get my needles in for an hour took its tole.

Last night I went to the ER, even though there was a person taken out of order from me (I was told that I should have gone in before this person and the triage nurse didn't know why the ER nurses took here first) I was only there about 2 hours. The doctors did a ultrasound of my chest to make sure there wasn't any fluid around my heart and lungs and a chest X-ray to make sure there was nothing inside they missed. Everything was good, even though I was coughing so much that my limbs were tingly and I felt faint. I was told it's probably viral and maybe a bit of Bronchitis. I was told there was nothing they could give me, except maybe some codeine to help me sleep. I refused because I said I need to be alert because of my dialysis. They said get some cough medicine then. On the way home I bought some Buckley's DM. This stuff is like doing shots of Dragon Semen, it burns like crazy. It's kind of a rush.

Everything started out ok tonight, the setup went good, I was a little nervous because I did have issues Wednesday night too, and have been having issues getting the needles in since I got ill Sunday. I was trying not to think about it though and trying to just focus on the moment. I was so focused that the cough that I have had, that is just continual, only seconds between fits to catch my breath actually stopped while I was putting the first needle in.

I wasn't coughing, so I attempted the first needle. Normally in this lower spot there is a little pressure required but it slides right in after a moment. It didn't. I spent a good 15-20 minutes trying to get it in, fishing it as they say. At one point I thought it went in, there was a give and it went further in, all the way in actually. I pulled back on the syringe, and nothing. The dull needle I guess just ripped it's way through my flesh. I gave up on that needle I pulled it out, put a little pressure on the hole, but there was nothing coming.

Normally I this point I'd go for the sharp but decided to try another dull because in the past I have seen one dull not work and then using another work, I guess the first just gets it started. The 2nd one to my surprise went right in. WTF?

Feeling confident at this point I cleaned by upper spot and went for it. First some background on this upper spot. It has two "problems" for lack of a better word. I'm not all that fit, my arms are a little flabby so there is more flesh for the dull needle to go through. I actually find this to be a good thing though because to me this says there is only 1 way to go, and the tunnel that he developed through the flesh leads right to the vein. Not tonight. In this spot the needle normally enters the vein with about 1/3rd of the needle still outside, I hit this point and it just kept going so I leveled off because I thought I was in. Nope, nothing so once again the dull tore through flesh that it shouldn't have.

I tried 3 dull needles, about an average of 10 minutes each just fishing. Pulling the needle back some, but not all the way out and then twisting it through my arm. At this point all the freezing that I had put on, now 2 hours ago was gone. I gave up on dulls and went for a sharp. I haven't had to use a sharp in this spot since my training. This is where we come to the 2nd problem with this spot. This actually is a problem. There is a 2nd vein that is not part of the fistula running along/over the fistula vein. When I went in with the sharp, this is what I hit. It hurt like hell, taking it out hurt like hell.

At this point I had had enough. I felt like shit, I was stressed about having to go to work tomorrow and now not knowing what to do because I was not able to do my dialysis tonight, so that meant I'd have to do it tomorrow, my arm had a splitting pain going through it and everything just came crashing down. The room was spinning, I was coughing again and hyperventilating because of it I had a huge hole in my art from trying to get needle into it, luckily it wasn't bleeding. With some help I got myself calmed down. I called the after hours nurse and I'm to try doing my dialysis here again tomorrow, and if I can't get it done tomorrow call again and take things from there.

So now I've called in sick again, for the 5th time this week. I still feel horrible and my fluid will be up even more tomorrow morning. I'm not feeling confident about tomorrow morning. At this point I just want two things, to not be sick anymore and to have a kidney. I guess you don't always get what you want.

FML
Owen
(I never proof read this it's too long, so live with it.)